A Redesign for Modern Connection
Inspired by love, loneliness and a quest for authenticity
In a world brimming with connection at our fingertips, why does finding genuine love feel more elusive than ever? At 32, I navigate the contrasting cities of Lisbon and New York, balancing a fulfilling career and financial independence with a deep drive for personal ambition. Yet, amid these achievements, my relationship status has remained static since 2017. My journey through the maze of online dating has traversed five distinct cities—New York, Toronto, San Francisco, Honolulu, and now Lisbon—each city leaving its unique imprint. In this article, I explore the paradox of seeking genuine connections in our hyper-connected world, examine the contribution of dating apps to feelings of loneliness, and propose a new design ethos centered on authenticity and self-discovery to foster more meaningful relationships.
Navigating the Paradox of Modern Love
Much like many of my friends, my pursuit of love has resulted in an anthology of failed attempts. Until recently, I accepted these painful experiences as a dated metaphor: if I kissed enough frogs, I would eventually find my prince charming. Because as society has made it very clear, once you’ve hit a certain age, it’s unacceptable to be alone - an additional weight upon my shoulders.
This summer, I decided to go on a date with a Portuguese man suggested by Hinge. Despite my questions about the algorithm’s reasoning, I decided to go. Besides, it was better than staying at home alone, right? On paper, he embodied the ideal partner—career-driven, seeking a serious relationship, intelligent, and undeniably attractive. But as I drank my tequila on the rocks, smiling politely through his stories, an inexplicable void echoed between us. My thoughts began to spiral into a dark pit of self-pity, wondering if I would ever find the “one”. Perhaps I was too different, aimlessly searching for a connection that could never exist.
The feeling of existential loneliness ignited a fire within me. Immediately after the date, entering my dark empty home, I quickly googled “where to meet people”. The search yielded over 20 suggestions, accompanied by psychologically supported articles offering help. Unsurprisingly, dating apps occupied the fifth spot on this comprehensive list. I later learned that "where to meet people" ranked among the most sought-after Google queries in 2023.
After hours of reading articles, at one point contemplating whether I should get a dog as a companion, I chose to disassociate by delving into Instagram. There, I became a giggling zombie, scrolling through countless reels that humorously depicted the complexities of modern dating. Ironically, I found comfort in realizing I wasn’t alone in my feelings of loneliness.
A report from the Surgeon General highlights a global loneliness epidemic and it’s killing people. Shockingly, both loneliness and social isolation increase the risk of premature death by 26% and 29%, respectively. I struggled to understand how our society has succumbed to such pervasive loneliness. In a world inundated with social and dating apps created to help us connect, how is it that social connection is declining and the feeling of loneliness continues to soar?
Unveiling the Truth
Needless to say, I’ve developed an obsession over how humans connect. After hours of research, binge listening to the Land of the Giants: Dating Games podcast series (highly recommend), interviews with friends and conducting an unpaid “Modern Dating” survey with over 500 participants, three things were abundantly clear;
We aren’t happy with modern dating. We all think it sucks.
We are craving authentic connections.
We are spending valuable time and money searching for connections.
Frustrations are abundant and we are stumped on how to fix it. In the Surgeon General’s report along with piles of other research, technology is highlighted as a major contributor to the loneliness epidemic. However, responsibility for improvement often falls on individuals and communities. In reflecting on my own bouts of loneliness, I often critically blamed myself because of the options available at my fingertips.
Digging into the design of our tools for connection, a harsh truth emerged: they are not designed to achieve our desired outcomes. In fact, their design principles seem to push us further apart. Here, I’ll break down how dating apps are fueling the growing loneliness epidemic and explore design approaches to nurture human connection.
Rethinking the Game
Let’s examine how we interact with dating apps. An eHarmony survey found that on average we spend approximately 55 minutes per day on dating apps alone. To onboard, you provide basic information, curated photos and your preferences, then you are off to the races, swiping left and right, until you get a match that you exchange a few messages with and then suddenly but unsurprisingly they ghost. Rinse and repeat. You become thrilled by the feeling of flipping through your options, embracing the quick hit of dopamine every time you get a match. The craving intensifies, pulling you back to continuous swiping. Eventually, you forget your initial purpose for being on the app. Before you realize it, you are purchasing “super likes” and extra “roses” to enhance your matching odds. Is it a dating app or a virtual casino?
The comparison between dating apps and casinos is clear when considering their design to prolong user engagement. Similar to casinos, these apps are not engineered for users to exit as winners; instead, the aim is to entice you to spend time and money to play their game. As the saying goes, "the house always wins," impacting both one's wallet and mental well-being.
The Surgeon General’s advice to technology companies is clear: design for healthy dialogue and relationship by prioritizing social health and safety as the first principle, from conception to launch to evaluation. What if we could redesign the gamified UX, stripping away swipes, likes, profiles and even messaging, all fueling our dopamine addiction. After all, in real life, we wouldn't simply swipe past or ghost someone; so, why should these behaviors persist in our digital world?
Picture a dating landscape where the pursuit of meaningful connections takes precedence over the fleeting rush of swipes and matches. This calls for a redesign of dating app interfaces, one that encourages activities that promote and restore a healthy balance of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, away from our screens. As a result, we will have to recalibrate the metrics used to gauge success. Instead of fixating on engagement metrics such as Monthly Active Users (MAUs) or usage duration, a greater focus should be on evaluating satisfaction levels, the quality of matches formed, and the occurrence of genuine success stories leading to fulfilling relationships. According to the study published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, psychological motivations behind people's use of the app varied widely and had a strong influence on their satisfaction with the app and the dates it led to. Given the psychological significance tied to dating, this design philosophy is crucial for aligning digital experiences with our human needs and motivations.
From External Searches to Internal Discovery
The pursuit of romantic connections through dating apps often begins with high hopes and a meticulously crafted profile, yet the stark reality paints a different picture. Only the top profiles, ranked based on attractiveness, are fortunate enough to secure quality matches. This disparity is further pronounced when comparing the ratio between women and men. The pursuit then becomes a time-consuming task of filtering through profiles, reducing potential matches to mere collectibles. A small fraction of these matches become conversations, and an even smaller percentage lead to real-life meetings, often entangled in prolonged scheduling back-and-forths. This combined effort translates into hours spent in pursuit of whatever you believe your desires to be.
What if this exhaustive, confusing outward search could be reversed? Consider a paradigm where we spend less time – perhaps just ten minutes a day – on self-reflection and personal discovery, rather than the average 55 minutes of trawling through profiles. This change could transform our experience from one that often erodes self-esteem, driven by unrealistic fantasies about others, to one of deep self-understanding. The more you work on yourself, the more you become articulated through a comprehensive digital profile of yourself. Studies have shown that by fostering self-expansion and introspection, we may recalibrate our innate inclination towards ceaseless partner-seeking behavior. This notion challenges the conventional approach of relentless external searches, advocating for a more self-aware and reflective stance in the pursuit of meaningful connections. A study titled "The Role of Self-Esteem in the Relationship Between Loneliness and Life Satisfaction in Late Adulthood: Evidence from Poland" further highlights the importance of self-esteem in moderating the effects of loneliness on life satisfaction, especially in older adults. By instilling higher self-esteem, which can be linked to self-love and understanding, we could reduce feelings of loneliness and improve life satisfaction.
Beyond the Superficial
Dating apps often fail to capture the depth of human beings. Presently, they operate as mere repositories for superficial information, scratching the surface of users' identities. Typically, these apps collect basic details, photos, videos, and preferences, offering a shallow glimpse into one's persona. The superficial and unverifiable nature of these inputs inevitably leads to superficial outputs.
What if there was a focus on enhancing these inputs by incorporating structured data aligned with the science behind self-discovery and human connection? An endless treasure trove of psychological and psychiatric-based questions could be integrated into a digital experience as easy daily prompts, significantly enriching the understanding of users' personalities and preferences. Combining this with existing unstructured data through user-permissioned account integrations could offer a more holistic view of individuals. Imagine pairing your X, Instagram, LinkedIn, and WhatsApp data with the depth of information that you share with your psychologist.
To verify this information, you could solicit attestations from one's social network. This layer of social verification could enhance the authenticity and accuracy of the data used by matching algorithms. It is also a fun interactive function for you to interact with your existing network, which could spark a realization that you aren’t as lonely as you might have believed. This revamped approach aims to gather a comprehensive set of user information and make the process engaging with your existing network, establishing a solid data foundation that can meaningfully nourish a matching algorithm. I’ll note that it would be crucial to balance this design with user consent, data privacy, and security, to maintain user trust and safeguard their privacy.
Desire for Authenticity in an AI World
In an era dominated by AI, the yearning for authenticity has emerged as a defining societal desire. Despite the surge in AI advancements, there's a growing consensus that genuine trust and connection stem from engaging with real people. A survey emphasized the importance of the human touch, with 77% of consumers believing that positive experiences require human interaction. Authenticity has evolved beyond a mere buzzword; it has become the bedrock of trust and loyalty in consumer relationships, where consumers reward companies daring enough to embrace vulnerability and honesty.
While the authenticity trend continues to ascend, the innovations within the dating sphere predominantly focus on reinforcing their flawed foundations with AI, rather than rectifying underlying issues. As highlighted here, enhancements like advanced profiles, AI chat assistants, and increased profile views reinforce the existing broken system. These superficial enhancements not only fail to optimize real-life connections but distance us further from the authenticity that we deeply crave. In a survey I conducted, participants identified 'finding meaningful connections' as their primary challenge. They believed technology could improve their dating experiences through ‘better matching algorithms’ and ‘tools that facilitate genuine, meaningful conversations’, but not if the data isn’t there to effectively support it.
The solution should not perpetuate the existing digital facade but instead prioritize in-person connections without the need for exhaustive searching and coordination. Imagine an experience that mirrors the serendipitous nature of in-person connection by tapping into the collective digital consciousness. Our digital existence, stored in segregated data silos, often prevents the realization of our collective unity. The collective consciousness embodies the vast pool of information contributed by individuals daily, forming a rich repository of collective knowledge. We have to see this wealth of information effectively harnessed. I do not underestimate this challenge.
Through crafting experiences that evoke genuine emotions and not just a dopamine rush, this new approach could help trigger the release of oxytocin and lowered serotonin, "love" chemicals that foster trust and deeper long-lasting relationships. This approach could bridge the gap between our digital lives into our real lives.
The Next Generation of Connection
While dating apps have been instrumental in shaping modern relationships – with nearly 70% of couples who met online entering exclusive relationships – it's important to recognize the evolution in both our societal dynamics and technological capabilities. Dating apps, once a groundbreaking avenue for connecting individuals, have shown their limitations, revealing their detrimental impacts on our mental health and overall well-being. Our society’s needs are more fluid now. Loneliness is not cured by securing a life partner, but by understanding who you are as a person today, what you need, and finding others who are searching for the same. That can come in the form of romantic partners, friends, lovers, communities or even your self-actualization.
Building a Cure for Loneliness
I’ve come to realize that building a more efficient dating app won’t meet our society’s evolving needs. The true solution lies not in the relentless search for a partner but in cultivating deeper connections – both with others and within ourselves.
My vision is to forge a new playing field for connection. Moving away from the hyper-gamified, superficial experiences prevalent in current apps, I aim to steer the focus toward individual self-reflection and expansion. By dismantling incessant pursuit and rechanneling that energy into self-growth, we can cultivate a richer, more insightful dataset. This process of marrying structured data with existing unstructured data lays the groundwork for matching algorithms that are not just efficient, but truly meaningful.
Creating an experience akin to interacting with Google search or ChatGPT, where matchmaking is a subtle, yet integral part of the background, intuitively offering bespoke experiences at just the right moments, seamlessly woven into the fabric of our daily lives. This approach isn't about users actively seeking connections; it's about connections finding us organically, aligning with our personal growth trajectories and schedules.
By embracing individual self-discovery and tapping into the existing collective consciousness, we open doors to serendipitous encounters, fostering genuine human connections to end loneliness. I’m deeply passionate about building this new ecosystem, one that champions authenticity at the heart of the next economy.
If you're passionate about building the next economy, I invite you to comment below.
Let’s tap in.
Amélia